A lot of my life, I’ve run away from the fear of being a narcissist.
Really, a fear of putting to much emphasis on my Self. A fear that if I did, it would completely overtake me and I would becoming, in essence, no|thing.
This fear has led me down paths disingenuous from my heart and soul, who longs to be see as Me, as a soul and spirit, as an embodied woman, as sacred ++ trash, fire and water and earth and air in one w(hole) of Self.
As I reclaim the woman that does not feel that she is allowed to take up space as her Self, I come to see that I no longer need or desire to fulfill certain roles that i have claimed. Part of this is internal, an alchemy of finding the Self that is a lifelong quest ~ part of this is external, an alchemy of relating through the Self that is Me, now, independent ++ interdependent through webs of service and shit alike.
The fear of being a narcissist is intense, but not one that is unique. I believe many of us struggle with a feeling of not being enough as ourselves, of not doing enough by devoting to the Self that is within ++ shining her without. This isn’t everyone’s path, to dive into the well of Self time and time again.
But it is mine. ++ When i step away from this part of me, the woman that is at her core self-involved because her mission is to simply BE herSelf, I come to a place where all actually becomes service. Where my actions and non/action breathes in a wave of surrendering to what it is that I desire, regardless of how much time it takes or how much I am letting anyone down.
We live in a selfish world, but we don’t live in a self-embodied world. This is where the disconnect from our hearts comes in. We fear appearing selfish, but isn’t it more self involved to even have that fear in the first place, for when we act out of fear of not being loved, seen, accepted, aren’t we just throwing ourselves into a selfish fire, too?
Real service comes from being true to us. It takes time to find that place, and it is never a point where we arrive at. The voice within that’s telling you something, must be listened to, must be devoted to. That is the least selfish thing we can ever do. ++ there is no narcissism, no indulgence, no fear to be held there. It is sacred and it is shit. It is everything. We cannot let that go for fear of being nothing.